The Shtrimpkind Hagaddah

Pesach is coming. Now that the world is more wired, there are way more than Four Sons. The internet speaks of Many Sons. And Daughters. What do they say?

Compiled by the Vaad Ha-gudah

1. Rationalist Rabbi, mah hu omer? “Grasshoppers are yummy with a spritz of lemon juice! Shulchan Orech treats!”

2. Failed Messiah, mah hu omer? “Chareidi Matzah Bakery Investigated For Using Hepatitis-Tainted Baby’s Blood.”

3. Reb Lazer Emunah Blogger, mah hu omer? “I met a Yid who was sad because he couldn’t pay his Pesach food bills. I showed him how to howl at the moon in the forest and now he grows the best hash this side of the Judean Hills and is making lots of moolah!”

4. DovBear, mah hu omer? “The Church’s sacramental wafers are literally made with Jews’ blood. They themselves believe it, look it up! Christ’s body. And they owe us for Pesach copyright infringement.”

5. Shulem Deen, mah hu omer? “The women have a point, and I deeply respect it, but actually men need a Pesach liberation movement too. I clearly remember what a fucking expensive pain in the ass schlepping boxes of grape juice is. And my wife always insisted on the glass bottles, not the plastic ones.”

6. Judy Brown, mah hi omeret? “If I had a choice there’d be 2.1 children, not Four Sons, but we have no choice. That’s when I realized we are broken vessels”

7. Rabbi Eliyahu Fink, mah hu omer? “The frum world IS terrible, but we should keep a level head and admit it and here’s why.”

8. Rabbi Avi Shafran, mah hu omer? “The frum world isn’t completely fine, true, but that’s only because people keep saying it isn’t. And I am not and never was a blogger.”

9. Daas Hedyot, mah hu omer? “Tattelayben2, maybe your experience was different, but as the author of this article writes, many frum Jews do not give a secular education in the Haggadah and do feed their children unsweetened maror.”

10. LV, mah hi omeret? “We should all feel free to be anything and anyone, except Chareidim — because they are not feeling free.”

12. Mississippi Fred MacDowell, mah hu omer? “In the 18th century, surprisingly, the minhag was to eat chometz at the second seder, and you can see it from this document…”

13. Libby Libtown, mah hi omeret? “Ohr Le-arba ossur boydkin my cute new purple top le-ohr ha-ner.” (Pesachim 2a, ayin sham)

14. Rabbi Gil Student, mah hu omer? “There’s nothing wrong with paskening that quinoa is kitniyos and this doesn’t mean that Orthodoxy is becoming more extreme. Ask your local Orthodox rabbi or mentor.”

15. Brenda Turtle, mah hi omeret? “Chad Gadyoooooo, sweeties. Ha ha ha, dahlink. I vant to be frim again!”

16. Deborah Feldman, mah hi omeret? “My Scandalous Rejection of my Egyptian Roots is coming out soon and it will be longer and more exciting than the Haggadah.”

17. Rachmuna Litzlon, mah hu omer? “Instead of burning the chometz freaking feed the people in Haiti. Lechem oni, my ass.”

18. Shpitzle Shtrimpkind, ma hi omeret? “Dayenu!”

19.(Ed note: Shpitzig, mah hu omer? “? ?? ?????? ???? ??”)